Electronics February, 10th 2011 by MarkyMarc

MacBook Air: Thinner than a fashion model

Yo yo yo gangstas,  I’m here with some off da hook leaked info, or scoop of the century if you will, about a new Apple product. It’s called the MacBook Air , version two, not version one, you know the fat slow one they released back in the day when thin ment yellow pages thick.

You can get your hands on one of these version two babies in early October 2010. Ow my gaw (Jessica Simpson Style).  I just looked at my watch,  it has been 2011 for more than a month now. Don’t blame me, blame the weed.

Anyways no harm done I just checked the interwebz and it’s still the coolest laptop, netbook, foldable slab of aluminium, whatever they call it nowadays out there. It comes in two sizes now. A 13.3 inch model and a 11.6 inch model, for those of you who are running the NYC marathon and still want to get their daily dose of porn on-the- go.

The beauty of both of these tiny machines is that they actually pack a punch. In fact they beat the crap out of every MacBook Pro, and they literally ninja-kill the basic MacBook, hiyaaaah,  it never saw it coming, way too fast.

If I can go all mythical David and Goliath on you gangstas it’s even faster then a pre-April 2010 iMac 3.06ghz Intel Duo Core 2 model.

Its boxing skills, or secret ninja training skills lie in its new standardized harddisk, or lack thereof: The Solid State Drive. Without any moving parts it accesses your ex-girlfriends naughty pics in less than 0.1 milliseconds.

The 11.6 model  has a 1.4ghz Intel Duo Core 2 proc and 2gigs of ram. Its bigger brother has a 1.86ghz Intel Duo Core 2 proc, also with 2gigs of ram. Just show Apple da money and they will upgrade its ram and proc for you, to piss off your friends even more.

In total there are four models. The 11.6 comes in a 64gb and a 128gb SSD version. The 13.3 inch starts at 128gigs and is also available as a 256gb SSD version. Yup you read my mind, your porn collection can come with you anywhere in the world.

Let me tell you about another cool feature. Ever heard of a trackpad, you know the thing you can put your finger on and magically the mousepointer moves in the direction your finger goes? Well, Apple revised it. It’s now made of glass, it’s bigger than a Mini’s door window and it features multi -touch gestures. Which basically means you can do sign language on a piece of glass, without deaf people around though. They will not understand.

There are 10 gestures available to you . That means 10 less commands, clicks, browses you have to do with the pointer itself on the screen. Your fingers are the key just like with your girlfriend’s ladyparts.

Lets talk fashion model thin, because 11.6 and 13.3 inches don’t mean shit yo. When you buy similar products from rivals like HP and Sony Vaio they are still Big Mac thick. But because Apple carves it out of a single piece of aluminium, all nooks and crannies are filled up to the max, bringing the maximum height of both models to a fashion model thin 0.68 inches.  When we go to the front it’s even 0.11 inches thick, so you will need a microscope to behold its beauty.

Battery life you ask? All the hardware inside is so small they were able to fill up to about 70% of its guts with batteries. This will give you up to 7 hours chatroulette time on the  13.3 and about 5 hours of jerking webcam guys on the 11.6. If you are too lazy to charge it all the time and you don’t use it that much, no worries: It has about 30 days of standby time.

Finally I’m gonna bore you with another cool feature. It has instant-on. Which means when you press the power button everything is up and running instantly, because of it’s speedy SSD. I only wish girls had this feature.

The only downside to all this awesomeness, you can’t cheat on Apple bitch, don’t hate da playa hate da game. Geeks would say: “hey let’s buy the cheap model and upgrade it with some Craigslist SSDs, rams and procs.” No way Jose, once you buy it you can’t go back. It’s all bolted and welded together like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

So let this be a MenReport top tip of da day for ya’ll. If you want to get a slice of the laptop pie, buy a MacBook Air. It’s fast, it’s light, it’s practical, it’s mobile and it looks the part. Fill her up with all the upgrades you can get your hands on through the Apple Store.

You know you will regret it when you don’t.  One day one of those annoying turtleneck wearing Starbucks geeks pops up out of nowhere. Drinking his orange frappuccino with his name on it and actually has a faster one than you.

BTW leave out the  MacBook Air SuperDrive,  it’s 2011, CD’s what? DVD’s who? Digital age baby! I’m off gangstas, peace out A-town.

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